Interests: milk nice weather ville valo the undertaker les mots/les langues comfort confidence tea relevant music quiet guitar the jackass guys self-control
i feel like shit. this is not about mellifluousness: • i'm going to make an effort to sleep enough. • and give guitar playing as much i should. • and cut dairy out of my diet - no indulgences.
self-hate is a comfort sometimes, but never from these things.
endless unwanted masochism. the goal is to make sure that i am forever in utter dislike with myself.
funny how it's heaviest by the end of the week. yesterday, i just felt like crying to death. but it's cold, and i feel alive, and it's raining & gray, and i have three poems/pieces to write today. i might take the weekend to myself.
the crossed out i need more alcohol this year in my last entry is ridiculous. i hate what it's doing to my life right now. mostly, i hate alcoholism and beer. all else is okay.
i'm less than three weeks away from turning nineteen. i don't like looking forward to this year as separate from the last one. all the same, i just want to erase everything before this moment in time. excepting the art i've loved, of course. i don't want to erase everything, i just want to erase the feelings.
my spine is going in sections for clouds of tension that won't undo, of misery that has no words. i'd have no name if no one loved me, but the world is of solitude. the heat of breakdowns has me tied to my lungs. wanting, endlessly, an embrace of death as a figure speaking solace and caresses for the tears, a calm for every voice i've swallowed. beg the ceiling for release but it has no ears. i am beautiful when i'm crying. every other glow is a lie. •
i found some old photos of myself (they're about thirteen yrs old) and almost cried for how ugly i've become. then all of my focus & self-control died on me. completely dissolved. i have been in school for almost twelve hours as a result, just kjdsjhskjs on the time.
i'm here again, falling, more depressed than usual. to get through school/the day, i tell myself my mind is no excuse. it's lame to admit, but i want to disappear. i want someone to suffocate me in my sleep, or just before i fall asleep, and for my soul to stop with the physical. fuck new music & unfinished stories. fuck my family's feelings.
i hate how my family's expanding. my mommy falls in love and i have in-laws (who i have to see more often than i do the blood relatives i don't live with). that's not fair.
this year, i need more local shows and alcohol and acquaintances to touch and friends. i need to pull myself together and move the fuck out.
